Bellafanofdeath

I have monsters. I've kept them in a hole ever since I realized what they were, around 15 years ago. I have never seen every one of them, but I know I'm shackled and chained to them. They drag me in the darkness at my lowest moments in life. Somehow, they sense when I am weakest, growling at grasping at my chains, dragging me in. Taking me back to the hole, until I see the horror of their faces again.

Try as I might to be strong, I'm still no match for their titanic power against me. Every problem, every insecurity, every fear, EVERY WEAKNESS, they pick up on it, almost as if they gain strength from it. I know I have the key to my shackles. But I am afraid.

All my life I had to deal with my monsters, some days better than others. Tonight, especially, was one of the worst episodes I had with them. An hour worth of tears stain my pillow, my eyes puffy and red.  I was stripped naked. I was battered by its claws. I was forced to look at its abomination again. I'm not sure how many people know the pain I am going through, it was agonizing. All I'm sure is: it is unfair.

My boyfriend kept them at bay tonight, bless his soul.

I've introduced the monsters to a couple of people already. I thought it was only going to get easier, sharing my load to friends I trust. Oh I was wrong. I was so wrong. It got harder. It became stronger. Somehow more tangible. I guess it was better back when I pretended it wasn't there. It was easier to ignore its tugs and pulls back when only I knew them.

I have the key to my shackles, but I've never tried to free myself before. I fear of going to the darkness of the hole and see the entirety of my monsters. I am trapped. Held back from being the best that I could be. Settling for mediocre. Feeling worthless and powerless on the worst days.

Someday, I'll set myself free. I have the key.

June 30, 2011
12:47, Friday
In my room, Camiguin

Hello!!! Last June 13, 2011, I posted a note on my Facebook asking my friends for help. With what, you ask? Well, I'll just show you what I posted there:


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Caveat: The intro may bore you. You can skip to the last part if you want.


I am about to embark on a journey of artistic challenge and growth, and I need help from you guys. Everywhere on the Interwebs I've been seeing different kinds of "30-Day Drawing Challenges", and I had an idea: I should take-on a challenge for myself! At that time it was a seemingly futile effort  at kicking my cancerous, albeit welcome habit of procrastination. Before I even started with any challenge (truth be told, I even dawdled on deciding what challenge to choose), it already took a rain check. Surprise, surprise. It wasn't until I had more time on my hands that I had a better idea: Why not make my very own personal custom-made 30-Day Drawing Challenge? Surely, this would ward off the procrastination devil compared to confronting a ready-made challenge. And this is where you guys come in:

I think that if my friends make the challenges for me, I'd be more connected and dedicated to the task. You can  suggest AT MOST two (2) drawing challenges, 1 per comment. The first 30 comments will comprise my 30-Day drawing challenge. Be creative, but don't be cruel just for the sake of it. I will draw 1 per day, and post it on my DA (with credits to the person who suggested it), although I may not be able to post each drawing up everyday, I will do one drawing everyday, no cheating. That much I can promise.
If you were not tagged, you can still suggest stuff!

So remember:
Suggest at most 2 drawing challenges, 1 per comment
I will only draw the first 30 suggestions
Be creative, don't be cruel (Examples: fish, my favorite food, me on a spider, something green, a couple kissing… whatever)

Suggest suggest suggest!!! Thanks you guys!  
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4 days after I posted the note, I finally got a little over 30 challenges, to my great relief. I always had this fear that everyone would ignore it and I'd feel stupid and hide under a rock for a year, but everything turned out fine after all. Yay!

So anyway, I started drawing challenge number 1 four days ago. (Never mind that I started 13 days after I got all the challenges I needed, blame it on le procrastination >.<) I really wish I could one drawing per day, but alas, in my beloved province of Camiguin I cannot access the internet everyday. So. Sob.

Whuuuuuuuuu! Bye! More drawings to come! (Unless it's July 26, 2011, which is the date I complete my 30 day drawing challenge)

Bye again!

I am so confused with what I'm going to do with my life. Do I pursue a career in Marine research? (Something that I'm beginning to think might be a mistake...) Should I do something that's (Darn I'm so sleepyyyy I can't think straight) in the field of arts (something that I undoubtedly love and enjoy doing a lot, but something I am sure many people will not approve of)?

More on this soon. Now I have to sleep. It's 1:39 AM and I have to wake up early tomorrow. Good night world.

So, today's the first day of the New Year 2010. And guess what? My dad's in the hospital because of Dengue. Yes, Dengue, also known as Dengue Hemorrhagic Fever, caused by the virus  transmitted by them Aedes aegypti mosquitos. So anyway, I'm here in the hospital right now. Good thing there's a WiFi connection in the area. Hurrah for WiFi!

Last night was... boring. I'm spending my New Year in Camiguin Island after all. There were a couple of fireworks displays by the neighbors. And fire crackers here and there. The weather wasn't as New Yearsy as last year: it was windy and cold and raining. The waves were humongous and strong, the splashes reaching almost 20 feet in height when they hit the sea wall. It was sort of scary. Then there was food, which we ate. My grandmother threw money and candy which me, my siblings, my mom, cousin, and a couple of neighborhood kids went down on the floor for, scampering to get the the most money as we can. It would have been more fun if paper money was thrown, instead of heavy coins which occasionally hit me on the head.

Then the boyfriend called.

Then I got annoyed a bit. :dohtwo:

Then I called mnerd. Chatted for a while.

Ugh, I hate thinking about how classes will be back in 3 days. I don't want to go back to school yet.

I cannot --CANNOT-- WAIT for Christmas break! 2 more days to go! Yay! I badly need a rest from the pressures of my baby Thesis and wretched Aquaculture and CRM courses (I kid, I love those subjects. I'm just... tired ) HOWEVER, I still have A LOT to do before my planned Christmas break hibernation:


Buy gifts (For Glenn, Tyril, XUMSS exchange gift person... others)
Plan Jeep's birthday...?
Decorate the stage for the Biophilic and Marine Science Society's Biorhythms Christmas Party.
Make Filipino Report
Make Aquaculture assignment
Make written report for CRM (almost forgot about this)
BABY THESIS PAPERWORK D':
Some other stuff I failed to remember...

Oh grool. I accidentally made a "To do" list. Ha ha! Been making excuses to avoid doing so. That's how lazy I am during 2nd semesters. Agh. -__-

2 more days. -__-