I have monsters. I've kept them in a hole ever since I realized what they were, around 15 years ago. I have never seen every one of them, but I know I'm shackled and chained to them. They drag me in the darkness at my lowest moments in life. Somehow, they sense when I am weakest, growling at grasping at my chains, dragging me in. Taking me back to the hole, until I see the horror of their faces again.
Try as I might to be strong, I'm still no match for their titanic power against me. Every problem, every insecurity, every fear, EVERY WEAKNESS, they pick up on it, almost as if they gain strength from it. I know I have the key to my shackles. But I am afraid.
All my life I had to deal with my monsters, some days better than others. Tonight, especially, was one of the worst episodes I had with them. An hour worth of tears stain my pillow, my eyes puffy and red. I was stripped naked. I was battered by its claws. I was forced to look at its abomination again. I'm not sure how many people know the pain I am going through, it was agonizing. All I'm sure is: it is unfair.
My boyfriend kept them at bay tonight, bless his soul.
I've introduced the monsters to a couple of people already. I thought it was only going to get easier, sharing my load to friends I trust. Oh I was wrong. I was so wrong. It got harder. It became stronger. Somehow more tangible. I guess it was better back when I pretended it wasn't there. It was easier to ignore its tugs and pulls back when only I knew them.
I have the key to my shackles, but I've never tried to free myself before. I fear of going to the darkness of the hole and see the entirety of my monsters. I am trapped. Held back from being the best that I could be. Settling for mediocre. Feeling worthless and powerless on the worst days.
Someday, I'll set myself free. I have the key.
Listening to: The hum of the electric fan
Eating: Ice cream in my dreams
Drinking: osifbsodibfvpaoisuhfpqoew ewhf